Ratz Crowned in Rome

Dateline - Rome: After winning the swimsuit competition, front-runner Cardinal Josef Ratzinger wowed the secret conclave of Cardinals with a moving rendition of "Feelings," sung in his native German, to become the Roman Catholic Church's newest pope. As the anxious crowds in St. Peter's Square watched and waited, Ratzinger, who immediately renamed himself Benedict Ex-Vee-Eye, waved from a balcony still clad in his crimson evening gown. "This is just fantastic," said American tourist Heather Hofnagel, "the world really needs a hard-line leader right now what with all the wars and stuff going on." "Ben Ex-Vee-Eye's the MAN!" echoed her husband Eric. "We're not really practicing Catholics," Hofnagel added, "I mean, all that stuff about eating the real blood and body of Christ is pretty weird, but being present at this historic moment kinda rocks. "